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I woke up today feeling like absolute human garbage. I've had a cold and one of the symptoms I always seem to have is at least one mental/emotional breakdown during my sicknesses. I think today is breakdown day. So I'm already feeling frail but here are a few other things I'm feeling: Poor. I woke up to a text that my phone service had been suspended because I didn't pay the bill. I didn't pay the bill because I have no money.  I lost my job a week ago while I was on vacation to Disney World where I spent all the rest of my money. Money that should have been spent on my ever-demanding bills. I still haven't made payment on some old medical bills that have collectors calling me frequently and also traffic tickets that could escalate to a warrant for my arrest should it go much longer without payment. But I went to Disney World.  I then got a text that service had been resumed which means my brother had to pay my bill including a $20 fee per line. I c...
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Recent posts

Redesign.

I started this blog as a journey to a confident Ryley. I was like, 19, when I started writing in here and used to crave strength and security. Most of my life I felt weak and insecure and this blog was an attempt to run from that. So I would only write in those moments when I felt strong and sure. But if you'll notice, I haven't written on here in like over a year. My life has gotten messy and stressful and chaotic. I'd been in therapy for almost a year and one thing that was a consistent theme through the last year was, emotions are okay. So I want to redefine this blog, at least for me. I need a place to be real. I struggle with a lot on a daily basis. My thoughts attack me and I've always felt like I'm too much for people to handle. So I hide a lot of myself from the people in my life. I recently moved to a place I've never been before and where no one has preconceived notions of me. I've felt able to be more myself and share parts of me that haven...
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A poem about growth

I was full to the brim I had as much as I could handle You scooped me up and with love Shattered every wall I'd put up I was left open vulnerable empty. I wallowed in my exposure And when I gained my composure I saw that my enclosure Was now a larger space to fill.
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Nothingness vs. Worth

I was blessed with some very beautiful lessons at church today that tied together the thoughts and themes from my recent scripture studies and I thought I should share. Do with it what you will but I hope that as you read this post, the Spirit whispers hope and love to your heart. An analogy was given at church today that sort of perfectly portrays our relationship with God. Think back to when you were little, in the car, going to Grandma's house. Did your dad ever let you sit on his lap and "drive"? I don't think I've ever been in that situation but you can see the visual, right? Even though we are given the illusion that we're driving--I mean, we're at the wheel and we're told we're doing the driving but, we have a pretty limited idea of what we're doing. It's our dad in this situation that is really the one calling the shots. He is managing the speed and the turns. Even more than operating the vehicle, we may have known we were going ...
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Repentance

I was reading in my scriptures today in 3 Nephi 13. And I came across a thought that I felt the need to write down. Verse 24 reads, " No man can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will hold to the one and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and Mammon." As I read that I realized how true that had been in my own life. Something I like to do in my spare time is to go slacklining. If you've never heard of it before it's kind of like tight rope walking. You string a line of rope between two trees and try to walk across it. It's a lot more fun than it sounds because when you get good you can do tricks and things on it. But this is just something I really like to do. I've gotten pretty good at it and I can walk the whole line without having help, I can walk backwards and I can even run and jump up onto it. But even the best people at it can lose their balance or even fall off. When you fall you can either fall to ...
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