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I woke up today feeling like absolute human garbage.

I've had a cold and one of the symptoms I always seem to have is at least one mental/emotional breakdown during my sicknesses. I think today is breakdown day. So I'm already feeling frail but here are a few other things I'm feeling:

  • Poor. I woke up to a text that my phone service had been suspended because I didn't pay the bill. I didn't pay the bill because I have no money. 
  • I lost my job a week ago while I was on vacation to Disney World where I spent all the rest of my money. Money that should have been spent on my ever-demanding bills.
  • I still haven't made payment on some old medical bills that have collectors calling me frequently and also traffic tickets that could escalate to a warrant for my arrest should it go much longer without payment. But I went to Disney World. 
  • I then got a text that service had been resumed which means my brother had to pay my bill including a $20 fee per line.
  • I can't provide for myself and the things that I need.
  • I feel fat. I feel like I've gained weight and my body is starting to develop a permanent sag in spots.
  • I feel gross and weak and hopeless.
  • I'm lonely. I recently moved to South Carolina and though I've made friends here, I still feel  like I'm lacking an actual support system. 
  • I feel like my only option is to keep all this bottled inside because I don't have people I can talk to about all of my feelings. 

I think that's most of it. Today I am feeling low and poor and beat down and helpless and scared and alone and vulnerable. And while, unlike pre-therapy Ryley, I can separate these issues and not link all of these things together as proof that my current state of self-pity and loathing is justified, these are all still very real feelings and today I'm feeling them. And that's okay. Like, I can feel all this and be okay. 

In a religion class I'm in currently, we were talking about Christ and all that he went through for us. The comment was made that one of the hardest part of our trials is the loneliness we feel in dealing with them. Like no one understands us or what we're going through. One of the instructors responded saying that Christ not only suffered the things that we'll go through in a general sense, (i.e., heartbreak, grief, sorrow, poverty, cramps, death in the family, job loss, etc.) but he experienced our individual trials with our hearts and with our minds. He knows our unique grief and our unique sorrow and pain and he understands perfectly how we're feeling in our trials because he felt them the way we feel them. It was very beautifully put.

But here are some questions that I still have: 

Is it selfishness to focus on myself and my healing?

Where is the line between turning outwards and meeting your needs?

If Christ can't be here physically to mourn with me, how is he supposed to comfort me the way I need?

Does sin disqualify me from Christ's compassion and comfort?

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