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Redesign.

I started this blog as a journey to a confident Ryley. I was like, 19, when I started writing in here and used to crave strength and security. Most of my life I felt weak and insecure and this blog was an attempt to run from that. So I would only write in those moments when I felt strong and sure. But if you'll notice, I haven't written on here in like over a year. My life has gotten messy and stressful and chaotic. I'd been in therapy for almost a year and one thing that was a consistent theme through the last year was, emotions are okay. So I want to redefine this blog, at least for me.

I need a place to be real. I struggle with a lot on a daily basis. My thoughts attack me and I've always felt like I'm too much for people to handle. So I hide a lot of myself from the people in my life. I recently moved to a place I've never been before and where no one has preconceived notions of me. I've felt able to be more myself and share parts of me that haven't been seen in a long time. I've made one friend in particular that has made a big impact on me. We became good friends really quickly and I've never felt judged by him. Like, I didn't have to be the best version of me all the time. It was okay that I've been through some crappy stuff and I'm still learning my way through it. It's been a really eye-opening experience to have a relationship I've felt safe in. Well, he's engaged now and I know he isn't going to be a permanent part of my life, but I do need an outlet to just really express myself and be able to to just be me. All of me. Flawed and imperfect and learning and loving and vulnerable. I need to stop feeling shame from who I've been in the past so I can start feeling free to be who I want to be. So, Mom, if you're reading this, you're going to find out some things about me that aren't pretty. But that's the whole point. I'm not perfect now and that okay because I'm working on it.

So that's really the direction I'm going with this blog from now on. Real me, real problems, real pain, real joy, real emotion. No more hiding behind shame and being immobilized by my flaws. I'm owning it and moving forward and y'all get to see every part of that. Welcome.

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